Telling everyone I’m fine because it’s easier than explaining why I’m not.

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There comes a point when people just expect you to suddenly start feeling better, like a cold or the flu… you just rest and it gets better. They don’t understand the concept of it being a CHRONIC illness and that it’s not going anywhere, yes some days are going to be worse than others but asking me if i’m okay and expecting anything other than the realistic ‘crap’ or ‘same as usual’ is just being nieve. Sometimes I actually forget what it feels like to feel okay, to feel healthy. To be able to answer the question and say yes i’m amazing. I’ve run out of descriptive words to describe in one word that I’ve probably not slept more than 4 hours in total, my body feels like it’s been run over by a truck, my lungs feel like they are in protest and can’t be bothered to do their job, my head feels like mush and my medication makes me feel so unwell half the time I suffer more with side affects than my actual illness’… How many one words can you think of to describe that feeling? I mean you expect me to be struggling to breathe most the day every day, coughing so much i’m breaking bones, having such bad muscle atrophy pains and your asking if i’m okay!? I think it’s the most stupid question. No i’m not okay. I’m the furthest from ‘okay’ and sometimes that’s alright and I deal with it. Asking me all the time if i’m okay or how am I just reminds me of how crap I am.

It’s like when your in hospital and the doctors like to ask how you are, yes never better… that’s why i’m here because I feel so amazing. How about being more specific, how’s my breathing, how did I sleep… or just avoid the question all together because 99% of the time when i’m asked how am I i’m going to instinctively reply with a useless response because it’s quicker and easier than explaining. Therefore, it’s just a waste of time asking.

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My name is Mel, I suffer with chronic illness’ and i’m NOT okay. I’ve accepted that my chronic illness’ aren’t going anywhere and i’m not just going to suddenly wake up and go back to normal life, you need to accept that too. Understanding my illness and asking how i’m feeling today is much better than asking just because it’s a polite question and you can’t be assed to ask anything else. If you can’t be assed to understand that i’m not okay, I can’t be assed to give you any other answer than ‘fine’ or ‘okay’.

 

 

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