I’m doing this for me, and ME only. Call me selfish.

So I was given the phrase this hospital admission that I hadn’t given up enough in my life and that if I was serious about getting better I needed to give up more in my life.

I’ve given up my job

I’ve deferred my uni degree…

I’ve given up my horses which I spent my WHOLE life working with, owning and competing

I’ve given up my social life so not to over do it

I’ve given up being 8st and a size 10 to now being catagorized as OBESE from the meds THEY give me.

I’ve given up my dogs being in  my bed which is all i’ve ever know. Now I barely spend any time with them and they are downstairs

I don’t go outside because of the cold air

I don’t walk my dogs which was one of my favourite things to do

I’ve given up running and all physical things I enjoyed

I’ve given up the idea of holidays or making plans because I ALWAYS end up in hospital and miss them

I’ve given up some of my favorite foods just because they make me cough more

I’ve given up wearing socks because for the life of me the energy putting them on isn’t worth it.

I’ve given up dressing to go in public because 1- i’m too fat for most my clothes, and b – wearing pajamas is far more comfy and easy to put on.

I’ve given up my mobility and now walk with a walking stick

I’ve given up ever getting a good nights sleep

I’ve given up my sunday afternoons to spend an hour or so doing my upcoming week of pill boxes i’m on THAT many medications

I’ve given up most my days to nebulizer treatments

I give up my morning and bedtime ‘check facebook’ time for my fill out my asthma chart, do my meds, my peak flows, check my oxygen time

I’ve given up the life i’ve always had and known, just because all I want to do is get better and focus my energy on that.

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But it’s still not good enough, they don’t know what i’ve given up but because they don’t know why i’m so ill, it’s easier to blame me. I can’t give up anymore. I’m not giving my dogs up, they are the ONLY thing keeping me mentally sane, if i give up my dogs i’d have no reason to go on. When i’m well they encourage me outside more, and enjoy the outdoors. They snuggle me when i’m down, they make me laugh when they play. I have always had animals and i’ve given them all up. They are all I have. I can’t give anymore up without giving myself up in the process.

I’m not getting better for anyone but myself, i’m not making desicions for anything but ME. I’m the important one, i don’t care if i blow off a friend and don’t speak to people for a week when i’m ill. If thats what I need to do to focus my minimal energy on healing. So be it. I won’t do this for anyone, I wont do this at 80% either… It’s either all or nothing. Get better or fail trying.

 

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