There is a time to accept the inevitable, now is not that time!

After a trip to my local doctor this morning for a check up and to sort out some paperwork, my doctor just casually throws into the conversation about how she thinks I really should be in hospital and i’m not going to get better at home. Just like she’s chatting about what dose of medication something is, like it’s nothing major. So I went into a mini shock at the thought of hospital, calmed myself down knowing that i know my body best. Then she said that she reckons at my hospital appointment tomorrow i’ll get admitted. No, I will NOT get admitted, i’m going to avoid it like the plague! I know when i’m bad, I know when i need to go in. I’m aware i’m a terrible procrastinator sometimes but this is not one of those times. I’ve been the same for 2/3 weeks now, I’ve not got any better; agreed. However, I’ve not got much worse. I’ve just leveled off that there is no real improvement.

So now I’m worrying that tomorrow at my hospital appointment i’m going to end up admitted. So, I will do the usual. Pack my bags just in case. Hopefully it doesn’t happen. Part of me knows i’m not great, but i’m managing at home. Just. I just don’t think i’m at that point yet of admitting defeat. If I was unstable or getting really unwell then maybe, but i’m not. Yeah to a normal person i’m quite ill. For me this is normal, for me this is bearable. I am able to control it with my medication. They just need to come up with a plan for me to get better AT home. I don’t know how they can manage that but it needs to be done.

I’m going to keep strong and do my best to turn up with a brave face and hope that they don’t send me to hospital. I’ve been home 1 week. 1 week and they want me back in. I’m sorry but no. I can’t keep on bouncing in and out, it’s so hard. It’s mentally defeating that i’m taking all my meds, i’m doing everything I can and my body just isn’t helping. If i could just shift this infection then everything else would be better.

If only. If everything was perfect and If everything went how we wanted it to. If only life was that simple.

I’ll try my best to stay strong.

Corinthians 10:13



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