I apologize for the massive rant that this is – sometimes it’s good just to let it out. So here is me… opening the floodgates to my emotional state probably caused by being ill, and the steroids i’m on. Here’s to one of the many reasons why mental health combined with chronic illness and medication side affects thrown in is such a struggle.
There are many up’s in life. Today was not one of them.
So tonight I had a huge row with my mum. My mum who smokes round me knowing it makes my breathing worse, my mum who knows how ill I am yet does very little to offer help or support. My mum who was too lazy to walk my dogs in the past leading to me having to walk them when i was too ill for it, watched me put my boots on knowing where i was going… and then events led to me ending up in Intensive Care nearly dead. This is how supportive she is.
So all week she’s been her usual grumpy self, pretty much imagine a teenager and thats my mum 24/7. Then tonight she starts throwing a tantrum because she can’t find something for a holiday and completely took it out on me. When it’s directly aimed at me and i’m spoken to like rubbish when it’s uncalled for, i’m at that stage when I just wont allow people to speak to me like that. I don’t care if she’s in a bad mood, she doesn’t take it out on me. So I told her that. She just continued to fly off the handle shouting and screaming at me.
I can’t do much because of my health but I try my best to help out where I can, tidying the house, doing all those jobs that nobody wants to do and haven’t been done for years, doing the shopping, cooking meals etc.. I never get any appreciation and thats fine because there is a lot i can’t do. However, I try. Even when I can hardly breath and hardly get out of bed I still try to cook them dinner, I still try to do things to help them.
I just find it so hard coping with my illness, with such little support and then having to deal with tidying up after my mum who makes more mess than my 5 year old niece (my niece who actually tidies up after herself), deal with hospital appointments, and cope with it all on my own AND at the end of the day when i’m feeling terrible and probably going to end up back in hospital soon for my mum to yet again speak to me like rubbish.
Throw your tantrum, fine. Just tidy up after and don’t take it out on me. My own family spend most their time tidying up and running around after her, we are all at that boiling point. I’m just saying to her what we are all thinking.
I think some of the things that have happened to my brother and I have made us the independant people that we are today, because when I look at my brother and I and realise how amazing he is and that we are already looking after our parents and our family, doing everything we can to look after them before looking after ourselves… Makes me think how did we end up like this, you’d think we would rebel or take up parents attributes.. I think our lives have made us stronger. Having to just do it for ourselves because we weren’t given stuff easily.